How Attractive Am I Really?

Required: a face, pen and paper, no ego

This is a pretty simple game that requires little preparation and little set-up time, although it’s not for the faint of heart. Results can have lasting psychological damage.

It’s a known fact that we love it when pretty people smile at us.Pretty-people smiles make us feel warm inside and remind us that even though we’ve lost some hair or our breasts have sunk to the ground after bringing three children into the world (probably should’ve gotten little Timmy on solid food a little sooner), at least someone out there still finds us attractive. Of course, when we receive that very same smile from an ugly person, it creeps us out for the rest of the day.

To determine where you rank on the pretty versus hideous scale (and kill a little time), approach one hundred random people in the terminal and offer them your best I’m-being-friendly-but-not-in-a-gay-way smile.

Steps for a Proper I’m-Being-Friendly-but-Not-in-a-Gay-Way Smile

1. Catch the gaze of someone within ten to fifteen feet of you.

2. Pause for a moment, then soften your eyes.

3. Purse your lips and raise the corners of your mouth to a height equal to or less than one-third the width of your mouth. Be sure not to show any teeth. People will mistake this for craziness. Practice this technique by tucking a dime into the corner of your mouth where your lips meet your cheek. If the dime falls out, you are smiling too hard. (For those of you with unusually large mouths, you can use a quarter.)

4. A slight eyebrow raise wouldn’t be entirely inappropriate.

Now, for each person who smiles back, award yourself two points.Subtract one point for anyone who is repulsed by your advances. Award yourself an extra five points if you were stuck in the terminal all night and didn’t shower but still pulled some major smileage. Below is a score sheet for accurate tallying. (I’ve gone ahead and given you a few points as a little confidence boost. I know you are one good-looking human.)

Note: if you have a mustache, you may want to shave it for this game, as it might make it difficult to notice your charming smile.

You can play this game anywhere you like, but a crowded airport terminal is a perfect location given the random population samplingyou will encounter. If you are really low on self-esteem and wish to skew the odds in your favor, consider booking a flight through Miami, Orlando, San Diego, or any happy, warm vacation destination where smiles run aplenty. Be sure to avoid any airport within a fifty-mile radius of New York City (or Canada) in the winter.

How Attractive Am I Really Score Sheet

Smiled Back Warmly* (2 points)

Acknowledged Politely (1 point)

No Noticeable Change (–1 point)

Turned and Ran (–5 points)

Blind (N/A)

*You can assume a variance of +/– 5 percent for other people reading this book and playing the same game. Sorry, their smiles don’t count.

Score:

90–100 = You’re a major hottie.

80–89 = You’re one sexy babe.

70–79 = You’re lookin’ fine.

60–69 = You won’t get kicked out of bed.

50–59 = After one or two beers, they’ll love you.

40–49 = Maybe you should dig that gym membership gift certificate out of the trash.

30–39 = Remember that new hairstyle you’ve been thinking about . . . go for it!

20–29 = It’s not your fault the world is based on looks.

10–19 = You do have other skills, right?

00–10 = I’m sorry.