- Please Hug Me - I've Been Delayed

Below are a few recently published articles. If you would like to use any of these for your blog or website, feel free! Just remember to include the Resources box at the bottom.

ARTICLE

JUST SAY NO!

Expert Offers Alternatives to Airline Baggage Fees

(published in North American Travel Journal)

Just when you thought the flying experience couldn’t get any worse, last month Spirit Airlines began charging passengers $45 for any carryon bag placed in the overhead bin. While some may view this as a necessary step to keep airlines operating in the black, I think I stand for most when I classify this in one word: CATASTROPHIC.

Before you think this is an overly dramatic reaction, let’s consider a few facts. First, Spirit is not struggling to make ends meet–the company has strung together six consecutive quarters of profits, with the last report being a $22 million profit for the first quarter of 2010. In the past year alone we have seen fees for checked luggage raised from $10 a bag to $25, and even $50 in some circumstances. And now they want to charge for a carry on? When is it going to stop? $5 for a bulky sweatshirt? $10 if you’re wearing a sports bra?

This is nothing more than a move to squeeze travelers for more money while consumers are trying to find the light at the end of the economic tunnel.

My issue here isn’t with Spirit Airlines—frankly they’re like the indie band that sets up in the parking lot at a Dave Matthews concert. And with fares as low as $10, their small market of passengers may care less about an additional fee. The issue is if the major players adopt the precedent Spirit has established.

Some travelers have welcomed the fee, thinking this will solve the problem of passengers trying to cram everything they own into their carryon and slowing down the boarding process. I say, think again.

This isn’t going to convince anyone to pack lighter or to just carry a toothbrush and an iPod when they travel. Any individual who pays an extra $45 is even more likely to jam their suitcase to the max–its human nature.

While airlines obviously need to make up for lost revenue and the lingering effects of the poor economy, there are far better solutions than charging passengers for taking their belongings with them. Here are several fees that seem much more agreeable (and we would be much happier to pay):

$5 fee to sit in a Crying-Baby free row during red eye flights.
$7 fee for a #2-free bathroom. (May have to be enforced via the honor system.)
$25 fee to fly the plane for a while. Want to attempt a landing? $50.
$10 fee to deliver the safety announcement.
$15 fee for the solution to the Sudoku puzzle in the in-flight magazine.
$20 fee to swap seats with the person next to Pamela Anderson

A few more industry-saving solutions:

Organize rows by drink preference for a cost-savings of one flight attendant per flight.
Hold a raffle for “Guess who’s the Air Marshal?”
Install a karaoke machine onboard. (They always save a failing business.)
Buy Sierra Mist in bulk. (I’m pretty sure those tiny cans are more expensive than airlines think–at least that’s what I’ve been led to believe since every time I ask for a full can I receive a disapproving look from the flight attendants.)

Of course, there are more practical solutions such as renegotiating oil contracts, opening up routes controlled by the legacy carriers to smaller, more profitable airlines, and simply adjusting ticket prices to account for higher flight costs.

I really don’t think people mind paying a fair ticket price if they are guaranteed there will be no hidden fees when they arrive at the airport. It seemed to be working fairly well from 1903 until just a couple of years ago. The cost of oil has since retreated to normal levels, yet the fees remain–it’s high time they stop.

Regardless of the industry, angering your customers has never been a way to save a business. We want to fly on your big shiny planes. Please help us.

For more fun and to join the nationwide campaign against baggage fees, logon to www. beendelayed.com.

ARTICLE

How Delayed Flights Can Be Fun and Productive

(published on BestStuff.com, www.andhranews.net)

Hurry up and wait. That’s the modern ethic for the frequent (or even infrequent) air traveler. Get to the airport a few hours early to ensure you have all the time you need to get through the security line.

Then, you take off your shoes, take all the change out of your pockets, take out your laptop, take off your belt and anything else that might possibly set off the metal detector, take your ID out of your wallet, walk through the metal detector, set it off with the cellphone you forgot to take out of your pocket, wait patiently while you get scanned by the wand that makes the Star Wars light saber noise, and then put everything back only to find out your flight is delayed for another few hours.

Sound familiar? That experience is familiar to Jeff Michaels, a musician who found a way to pass that time creatively during his years on the road and turned it into the book, Please Hug Me, I’ve Been Delayed (www.pleasehugmeseries.com).

“Back in the 70s and 80s, betting on when arriving flights would actually touch down was a great way to pass the time, and even make a buck off of other stranded passengers,” Michaels says. “But now with the advent of blackberries, iPhones, iPads, laptops and other gadgets, there is a whole new range of busywork and play that you can take advantage of in the airport.”

His ideas include:

Scroll through your contacts on your phone and delete any ex’s and all the people you no longer like. You’ll be surprised how good this can feel.
Review your portfolio allocations. If you don’t have any portfolio allocations and keep all your money in checking, now might be a good time to hit the airport newsstand and buy a book on investing.
Use this time to back up your laptop hard drive. Make a habit of doing this every time you fly and you’ll never have to worry about losing all your Kim Kardashian pictures, er, I mean data, ever again.
Get your shoes shined. This is an age-old tradition that is going the way of the 8-track. And remember, these poor guys are stuck in the airport for life. Tip them well.
Ladies, now would be a good time to clean out the mobile filing cabinet you call your purse. Be discriminating. Do you really need to carry around the Led Zeppelin ticket stubs from the concert your high school boyfriend took you to? (Didn’t he cheat on you with Sara Jansen at the prom anyway?) And gentlemen, let’s get those 72 fast food receipts and expired video club cards out of those wallets before the airlinescharge you for an extra carryon.
Call your mom.

Other games include, “How Attractive Am I Really?”, “Celebrity Sighting’”, where you gain points for convincing others a random celebrity walked by (bonus points for celebrity vampires), and detailed instructions on how to use your terminal down time to set a new world record.

“If you even try just a few of these, you may find the time passing much quicker,” Michaels concludes. “And this will hopefully leave you with at least a little strength to battle any Chronic Seat Kickers (CSKs) when you eventually board the plane.” (Which he also offers solutions for—some minor acting required.)

“Overbooking, lost luggage, and excessive baggage fees are frustrating enough experiences for passengers. If I can help at least one person keep their sanity through an agonizing flight delay, then I’ve done my job,” says Michaels.

ARTICLE

How to Set Your own Guinness World Record (while waiting for your flight)

We all know flight delays can be incredidibly annoying, especially for the frequent flyer.

One idea is to kill some terminal down time is to use a flight delay to set your own Guinness World Record. While this may seem bizarre, airports have long been a breeding ground for world record attempts, such as The World’s Fastest Time for pushing an orange one mile with your nose, which according to the Guinness Book of World Records is 24 minutes, 36 seconds, set by Ashrita Furman at JFK International Airport in New York in 2005.

Let’s face it, deep down we all want to be famous for something in our lives. If you find yourself delayed, stranded, or just living in an airport terminal after you lost your home in the recent stock market crash, here are a few more records you may wish to consider attempting. (Just keep in mind, whatever record you attempt to set, Michael Phelps will eventually beat you.)

WORLD RECORDS THAT CAN BE ATTEMPTED IN AN AIRPORT TERMINAL WITH LITTLE OR NO PREPARATION

World’s Longest Kiss

Currently held by Ekkachai Tiranarat & Laksana Tiranarat from Thailand, set February 13 – 15th, 2011. (Yup, and you thought your Valentine’s Day was special because your boyfriend cooked you dinner.)

World’s Longest Held Breath (by a female)

Current record achieved by Karoline Mariechen Meyer of Brazil. 18 min 32.59 sec. Probably set because she was holding her breath in anticipation of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince coming out in 3D.

World’s Longest Held Breath (by a male)

Current record at 20 min 21 sec by Ricardo da Gama Bahia of Brazil (again). Kudos to South American lung capacity.

World’s Fastest Haircut

Have to beat Ivan Zoot’s 55 seconds, achieved in Austin, TX in 2008. (Granted, getting the scissors past security will be a challenge.)

Largest Gathering of Zombies

Technically you will need some friends for this, but a terminal full of delayed passengers is just about the best place to find zombies. Gather up a few plane loads of fellow delayed passengers, and snap some cell phone pics. Current record is 4,093 in Ashbury Park, NJ.

Here are a few more with no current world record. What are you waiting for? Claim your 15 minutes of fame today!

- Longest Time Sent Watching Back-to-Back Episodes of Glee on an iPhone

- Most Money Lost in a Single Day in the Stock Market Without Committing Suicide

- World’s Most Unusual Dance Move While Walking Through an Airport Metal Detector

- Number of times rejected using the pickup line, “Do you come here often?” at the Chili’s Airport bar in Bloomington, MN

If you’d like a whole bunch more tips on how to spend an interminable flight delay that don’t require physical exhaustion, be sure to check out Please Hug Me – I’ve Been Delayed, wherever fine books are sold.

RESOURCE:

Jeff Michaels is the author of Please Hug Me-I’ve Been Delayed, the must-have read for airport dwellers nationwide, born out of frustrations while touring with is band. For more information, please visit www.beendelayed.com