Sample Chapter

Preboarding Announcement

Hello Fellow Traveler!

If you’ve picked up this book, chances are you are one of the nearly
eight hundred million passengers who take to what I like to refer to as
the “not-so-friendly skies” each year in the United States. Quite possibly
you are doing your best deep-breathing exercises to avoid slamming
your head through a sheet of glass as disaster has struck yet again. A
disaster so horrid you can’t even speak its name. A disaster so gruesome,
the mere thought of it sends shivers down your spine and brings
you to your knees.

No, I’m not talking about the Spice Girls, Golden Years reunion
tour. I’m talking about those five terrifying words: Your flight has been
delayed. There is no greater threat to your sanity in the universe.

Yes friend, those words mean disaster has struck. Doomsday has
arrived. You are facing the horror of hours upon hours of hideous boredom
in an airport where you’ve already spent so much time that you are
regularly receiving your mail there. Or perhaps you are sitting through
an interminably long flight, praying you graze a snowcapped peak and
the oxygen masks fall from the ceiling because the passenger next to
you has thoughtlessly eaten nothing but beans for three days straight.
Or perhaps you’re one of the thousands of stranded passengers left
shivering in the cold after ditching all your clothes on the side of the
road, unable to come up with the $50 luggage fee. Do you really need
more than a T-shirt and one pair of underwear for a two-week vacation?

(The airlines don’t believe so.)

(Click here for Jeff’s take on baggage fees.)

Or maybe you’re a parent and the proud head of a family of five,
stuck having to choose which kid you’re going to leave at the ticket
counter, because as it turns out, there are only four open seats on the
next available flight. Well, little Jim was the mistake anyway . . .

Or perhaps you’ve just had your favorite tube of toothpaste confiscated
by security. The one with the minty-tasting green specs that
make your breath feel so amazingly fresh that you just can’t bear to leave
home without it. (Unless this is your first flight, you should realize that
more than 3 ounces of toothpaste is a threat to national security.) But
we’re not here to reprimand. We’re here to educate. So don’t be so hard
on yourself. You are not alone in this sea of weary airline passengers . . .
though you may be the one with the smelliest breath. Maybe you should
grab a pack of gum while contemplating your next move.

—

Remember the days when you booked an airline ticket, and there was
actually a chance your flight wouldn’t be overbooked, your plane would
be on time, and your luggage would arrive at an airport fairly close to
the one you landed in? Those were crazy times, weren’t they?

Remember when you didn’t have to take off every stitch of clothing
just to convince the security agents that your private parts are not,
nor have they ever been, made of metal? Or when you didn’t have to
frantically consult the advanced calculus function on your BlackBerry
to determine how many ounces of shampoo and conditioner (and
minty-green toothpaste) you were allowed to bring on board?

Remember when you could carry your own reasonably priced
bottle of water on to a plane, instead of having to pay $5 for a TSA approved
bottle of Homeland Security Super Water?

Remember when you used to get excited about getting aboard a
big ol’ jet airliner, and flying to new and exotic destinations? Taking
the family on a much-needed vacation instead of plopping them in
a twelve-foot kiddie pool in the backyard and paying an unemployed
computer worker to come dress up like Mickey Mouse and convince
them they’re at Disney World?*

Can’t remember those days? Me neither.

Welcome to the new world of air travel.

Oh, but it’s not all bad. We still have one of the most sophisticated
air fleets in the world, taking off and touching down in sleek new airports
filled with snazzy modern art, futuristic moving sidewalks, and
flat-screen television monitors (so you can see in crystal-sharp, high definition
detail precisely how long you are going to be stuck in this
sleek new airport).

We’ve got satellite TV in virtually every seatback, movies and video
games on demand, and the ability to text message other passengers on
the same flight (so you can discreetly ask the passenger next to you to
stop passing gas). And we even have an 80 percent chance of arriving at
the same destination as our luggage. That’s pretty good. That’s almost
81 percent.

Yet, even with all this technology, something is missing from air
travel. I take that back. Everything is missing from air travel. But I’m
here to tell you it doesn’t have to be this way. While many things like
bad weather and the soaring price of jet fuel are certainly beyond our
control, with a little knowledge, we can at least make our journeys a lot
more entertaining.

Take a look outside the window (if your particular airline doesn’t
charge to raise the shades). See the pretty sun? See the majestic white
clouds lazily floating by? The skies are the same as they’ve always been–
it’s the game that’s changed. You just need to learn how to play it. So sit
back, put your tray tables in the upright position, and let’s see what we
can do to help make your skies friendly once again.

Hopefully you’ll never again have to hear the dreaded words, “Your
flight has been delayed.” But if you do, at least you’ll have a new friend
to keep you company—me. Providing you buy this book of course. You
should—I worked hard on it, because I’ve been where you are far more
times than I care to recall, and I’ve learned a thing or two along the way.
And it is my sincere wish to share this knowledge with you.

Oh, and by the way, just in case you end up having to spend the
entire evening in the terminal, the specially designed soft cover serves
as a fairly comfy pillow. Also, in Appendix 1 you’ll find a little something
to help get you through the night. The first of my many gifts
to you.

So let’s get settled in and begin where all flights originate: on
the ground.

My sincerest wishes for your safe and happy travels, and everlasting
freedom from bean eaters, bungled baggage, and bellowing babies.

*Unemployed computer workers make the best Disney character impersonators because they’re used to not talking all day at work, and are rarely over six-feet tall, so they fit the costumes well.

Want to learn how to fly standby and get on ANY flight, no matter what?  Click here for an excerpt from Chapter 3 – At the Gate.